Many of us know that the holidays can be a mixed bag and bring up a very confusing set of emotions. One year, they may be a major source of joy, and the following year, they may be laden with sadness, grief, loneliness, and a whole host of other devastating emotions. When we lose people we love, count on, and celebrate, we may also lose the joy associated with the holidays. When sadness strikes, many of us are at a loss about what events we can bear to attend and resent the silence around the lost person. Why, we wonder, have friends and relatives stopped asking about our lost loved one?

From both a personal and professional perspective, I have always been struck by how reluctant others in our circles are to ask about our losses and how they impact our lives and holidays. This clearly speaks to individuals not wanting to upset those who have lost others. Instead, it often feels like a lack of curiosity and leads to loneliness around our feelings.

Recently, I was looking at Thanksgiving Day pictures in which my brother was smiling brightly. Since his loss just a few years ago, I have celebrated holidays without him, but I'm struck by the observation and experience that no one mentions him or asks if I miss him. I would delight in such a conversation, and I'm sure many others would also love to keep the memories of their loved ones alive.

Navigating the Holidays After a Loss

I have some ideas about how to make the holidays easier following a loss based on my personal experience and that of others.

1. Engage in self-care. The holidays take a lot out of you. You don't want to get sick from emotional and physical exhaustion. Make sure you are eating nutritious meals and taking time for yourself. If necessary, work with a therapist and discuss your grief. As you know, after a month or so, friends are likely to stop asking how you are doing with the experience of your loss.

2. Plan ahead. Consider the holiday events that you are invited to, and think about how much you can handle. You can say no to certain events. Setting boundaries for yourself is critical. Make sure, however, not to isolate. Isolation breeds loneliness, and grief and loneliness are a recipe for despair.

3. Be prepared. There will be conversations about family and friends that may activate your feelings of grief. Have a plan for leaving the room briefly or perhaps even limiting the time at a celebration. Being prepared will help you in many ways, all beneficial.

4. Start new traditions. Yes, the person you lost cannot celebrate the holidays with you, but you can develop new traditions. Perhaps you want to plant something in their honor. Maybe you want to get together with friends or relatives during the holidays and discuss your memories of this person. Such gatherings could be very helpful in keeping this person alive, at least during difficult times such as holidays. There are a number of other traditions that you can put in place. By honoring the person you have lost, you are also honoring the relationship and your own heart.

5. Remember that things will get better. Keep in mind that the feelings that you are experiencing this year may not be reflective of future holidays. Holidays will hopefully get better and easier over the years. Joyfulness may return even though your loved one won't.